Monthly Archives: March 2013

Ten Rules for Dominants and submissives

The author of these two article is unknown. They have appeared in an early issue of Growing Pains,  the Eulenspiegal Society’s Prometheus  magazine, and the July, 1980 Growing PainsI have been told that a representative of the Society of Janus has attributed ownership to SOJ — — but was unable to identify the author, but unfortunately I am unable to confirm that either.  If anyone has authoritative information please let me know so I can provide proper attribution.

That said, I would love to hear your thoughts, do you agree, disagree, have changes or maybe additional things that should make the list?


Ten Rules for Dominants

Ten Rules for Submissives


Be Patient
Until you enter into a contract with a submissive, you have no more right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give you bottom time to get to know you and what you like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.

Be Patient
A potential top will let you know if she or he is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies. Do not expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.


Be Humble
You may be God’s or Goddess’ gift to the world, but no one needs or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are – and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Do not set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.

Be Humble
You may be God’s or Goddess’ gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Do not set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach.


Be Open
Although the top is classically considered to be the teacher in SM, you can always learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.

Be Open
You can learn something about SM and about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. SM is a very personal art, and an “I already know it all” attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable SM friends.


You are responsible for finding out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing SM without this knowledge is like Russian Roulette. Talk about your head-space and you review of SM with your bottom, so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits and contracts. Do not take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the ground rules.

Verbalization is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your top needs to know basic information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turn-offs. But -unless it’s an emergency – wait until your top asks. Don’t expect your dominant to be a mind-reader instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will enhance the scene for both of you.


Be Honest
If you lack experience in an area that your bottom would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.

Be Honest
Don’t be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the top will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous.


Be Sensitive
There’s a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominate and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of you needs and fantasies, and your bottoms needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately.

Be Vulnerable
Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your top ahead of time. But don’t always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you’ve written in your head. It’s far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you’re never been before. When you trust your top completely, let her or him know it, and let him or her guide you into new fantasies.


Be Realistic
End the scene with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, no just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don¹t try to imitate them to the last detail.

Be Realistic
Your dominant is human, and even the most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don’t call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout of equipment…Your top’s equipment is expensive – respect it and don’t abuse it.


Be Really Dominant
Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from ads or stereotypes. Your dominance enhances you whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life – it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect them to give themselves up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don¹t shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role – now take it!

Be Really Submissive
This is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely. Don’t coach or second guess or be critical of your top. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications, then you should try being a top. You have agreedto limitations of your own power. Stay within those limitations. Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you don’t. Accept it gracefully and cheerfully. Your top has many things to be concerned with, including your safety and what turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role.


Be Healthy
Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and endurance during a scene. Don¹t attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of ³drugs and alcohol don¹t affect me that much…I can do it anyway² violates your submissive¹s trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don¹t want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn¹t be playing the game!

Be Healthy
SM, like any strenuous activity, requires that its participants – both active and passive – be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene sounds, an “I want it all now” attitude when you aren’t able to give your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and yourself by staying healthy.


Have Fun
After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative SM play.

Have Fun
After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible, creative SM play.


Leave a comment

Filed under Meanderings

The Submissive’s Prayer

This is something I wrote three years ago, and as I browsed through my old files looking for inspiration I stumbled across it.

I’m stuck at home today, my arthritis flared as the barometer dropped, and I’m not willing to steal from the boss by setting at work and doing nothing. I wanted to not waste the entire day, so I sat down at the computer to at least do a little editing. I’m sharing the piggy’s computer, my is broken into many pieces, and I keep buying too many toys and presents instead of getting a replacement, but I digress.

I decided to spend a little time working on my Household Manual, which I have promised my self to finish the latest version of before I turn fifty. Since this happens in just 19 days now, I better get on the stick!

Again I digress. I was looking for some notes I types a few weeks ago and came across the poem saves to the computer’s desktop as a .jpg file. I don’t know who wrote it, its all over the internet, but if credited it’s as “author unknown.” If you know who wrote it I’d love to hear so I can credit him or her, because this touches me in that private place deep inside that I show to so very, very few. So without further ado I present:

The Submissive’s Prayer

Allow me the strength to answer questions i can’t fathom.
Allow me the spirit to know His needs.
Allow me the serenity to serve Him in peace.
Allow me the love to show him myself.
Allow me the tenderness to comfort him.
Allow me the light to show us the way.
Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to him.
Let me be able to show Him each day my love of my service to Him.
Let me open myself up to completely belong to him.
Let me accept my punishment with the grace of a woman.
Let me learn to please Him, beyond myself.
Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely.
Give me the strength to please us both.
Permit me to love myself, in loving Him.
For it is my greatest wish, my highest power to make His life complete, as he makes mine.

Its amazing how much has changed, and more amazing how much has not.  I am still served by slave terry, and she is my constant inspiration.  The family has grown a little, there are  eleven of us now, up from 8. My arthritis still flares, but I’ve spent the last year without steady employment, so I haven’t had to worry about whether or not I was giving a boss full measure, the down side is that I have to worry about how to give the creditors full measure.  I managed to get the laptop replaced before I got laid off, so I can now lay in bed and type, although I’d probably be a bit more efficient if I restricted this to the office and desk.

I managed to get that revision done before my birthday, and two more after that, I’m down to a document that I am pretty happy with now. And that poem, that plea to a higher power, the submissive’s prayer? It still touches that special place deep in the core of me, the place that resonates with joy, and makes my service and effort worthwhile.

Leave a comment

Filed under Meanderings

Happy Pi Day!



It’s three point one four
and some other digits too
Infinite Beauty

(from Science Channel
commercial for Pi Day lineup)


I’m not kidding, March fourteenth was declared national Pi Day on March 12, 2009. Okay, technically Congress “supports the designation of a `Pi Day’ and its celebration around the world,”  Back in 2008 Ian Chilling suggested that on this mathematically significant day we celebrate by writing Pi-ku. Even before this, many had celebrated this auspicious occasion by writing Haiku about Pi:

Three point one four one
Continues on forever
Irrational numbers rule

At least I got the traditional haiku meter of 5-7-5 right, and I suppose that as poetry about math goes, I didn’t do too bad.  Mr. Chilling’s novel idea was suggesting, “…we take it one step nerdier and make new rules.” The new meter would have a 3 syllable first line, 1 syllable second line, and 4 syllable third line, for example:

It`s Pi Day
Hurrah for Math!

Three one four
Albert’s Birthday

Please beware
Is tomorrow

Falls Pi Day
Year on Friday

Obviously, Natasha Trethewey does not need to worry about job security; neither does Sofia Starnes. I think that it is safe to sat that as a poet, I’m one heck of an engineer.  You ask, “Thats nice, but I came to read about BDSM and Master/slave stuff. How does this relate?” I suggest that most of the time when you satisfy your masochist’s desire for pain, it leaves your inner sadist not quite fulfilled.  Take advantage of today, and try some of these truly sadistic pursuits:

  • Have your little one calculate Pi to 100 decimal places, and of course they must show their work.
  • Have them calculate the volume of your favorite cane or ball gag
  • Memorize an appropriate number of digits, how many depends on your submissive’s affinity for numbers, but I’d suggest 10 as the absolute minimum.

I’ll close with a question, posed in the form of a haiku:

If March fourteenth is Pi Day
Should January sixth
be declared to be Phi Day


Filed under Meanderings

31 Days of Dominance – Day 31

Is your need to dominate being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your dominance in the way that feels best to you again? What makes dominance special to you?

I am fairly confident that my dominance will never be completely satisfied, because with each new day comes new inspiration! My slave, my family, play partners and friends, my life is a fine place to be if stretching and growing in Mastery is your goal, and I would not want it any other way! I am not sure what could ever happen to make me even consider a life where I could not be who I am, but I do not think I could ever be happy living with no way to express my dominance, and I am damn sure I never want to find out!

My dominance is expressed as Mastery, and Master is not something that I do, it is who and what I am.  This way of life is so special to me, my slave and I form a yin and yang which allows us to live fully and express the joy we could find in no other relationship. My apprentices satisfy my need to teach, my littles fulfill my need to nurture, I have a family to lead, and a mentor from whom to learn. Okay, I learn from the whole crowd, but my Mentor/Sister helps me shape the raw data into knowledge.  I am not so bold as to say it could never be better, but short of a winning set of lottery numbers removing the fiscal constraints I am not going to try to describe how that better could happen.

To those of you who have been following me on this journey, I thank you for your patience and loyalty, and I welcome your suggestions for what comes next.  I have several lists of questions now, I think for the next couple of days I will probably do a digital hat draw until I decide what the next theme will be.  In addition, I hope that on my next theme I will have other members of my family posting alongside of me to give a bit of contrast.

Leave a comment

Filed under 31 Days of Dominance

31 Days of Dominance – Day 30

  1. Is inflicting pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your dominance? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your dominance, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

Spanking is a cross over area for me.  I am an active BDSM enthusiast, as well as the Master of my slave, and the head of my Household.  As a BDSM practitioner I frequently inflict pain and humiliation, but only within negotiated boundaries.  As the Dominant, I really dislike punishment, and reserve it for deliberate acts, here is how I describe it in my household manual:

We assume that those who wish to be in service to the Holding also wish to perform tasks to the best of their ability. Service in the Holding at Joyous Reach is not a game wherein the member intentionally makes errors to attract attention or to provoke an S&M scene.  Therefore, if a family member fails at a task, or mode of behavior or speech, we assume that the failure is due to a lack of understanding or instruction, and they are given additional instruction.

If there is a repeated failure of the same task or mode of behavior the member will be instructed again, and a mild, reinforcing correction, related to the failure, will be enacted. Additional failure will evoke a more severe consequences. If the member can still not perform the task properly, they will be denied the opportunity to provide that particular service either for a specified period of time, or forever.

Punishment is reserved for deliberate disrespect or disobedience, and will not be confused with S&M play; they will be designed to be unpleasant. Punishment may or may not be corporeal in nature, and will be decided by the high lord or his designated representative.

Leave a comment

Filed under 31 Days of Dominance

Here it is, help me decide what to write

I want to write things that you want to read. I also want to keep this stream of writing everyday going. With that in mind, I am posting this poll, in hopes that you will share what you want to read about.

So this is it, tell me what you want. By the way, if you want me to answer questions, you need to post them in the comments or send me a note!

1 Comment

Filed under Meanderings

31 Days of Dominance – Day 29

Has your dominance ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your dominance? Have you ever regretted being or feeling dominant in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your dominance going forward from that.

 I cannot think of a time when my Dominance let me down.  There have been mistakes and missteps, and the occasional royal screw-up, but that has been more me letting my Dominance down than vice versa. I try very hard to live up to my ideals and values, but, being human, I fall short.  Sometimes I am a little jealous of those in my service, because they have someone who can grant absolution and forgiveness.  Up at the top of the pecking order, forgiveness is not as easy to find.  What I do is to look at why I failed, and see what I can do to prevent it from happening again, gird up me loins, and carry on as best I can, trying not to repeat the same mistakes.

Leave a comment

Filed under 31 Days of Dominance